Speaker 1: 00:03
YNA is a podcast that focuses on mental health and other aspects relating to what goes on inside a person's head. We are by no means professionals in this field and only aim to make these conversations about mental health easier for the listener. Nothing we say or talk about is professional advice unless explicitly mentioned. If you seek professional advice or experience symptoms of an actual mental health disorder, please contact a professional or visit your closest center for behavioral health. You are not alone.
Speaker: 00:30
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to You're Not Alone. This topic today is on relationship issues. So Cheyenne and I both are kind of on the opposite sides of relationships. Cheyenne has been through a lot more relationships than I have. I have not been through a lot of serious relationships. However, what I can explain and talk about is the side of what it's like to date in our generation now and how difficult it's become. Because let's be honest, relationships, there's like in the past, the way that relationships worked was you started dating and then it became boyfriend and girlfriend. And that's how it was. It was pretty simple. The good old days. The our generation now has things which I've tried to explain, and they're very like so you're pretty much dating, but you can talk to other people until you become exclusive. Once you become exclusive, that means that you can only talk to that person and not other people, but that still doesn't mean your boyfriend and girlfriend until one of them decides to put the title of boyfriend and girlfriend. So that's what it's like to date. So I I think I have a good understanding of that. However, with you being in a relationship now in our generation, what is it like? Is it still the same as you could say like other relationships, or is it different? And has every relationship been different, or do they all share like a lot of same qualities?
Speaker 2: 02:05
Uh, I feel like every single relationship has its own different qualities. And you go through these relationships and you kind of pick up on things, whether it's habits or how people talk. And sometimes there's similarities between relationships, but really it's just it just matters on how you like conversate with the person, what type of relationship you want, and then basically just how you build it together. I know for you it's a little bit different, but I mean, we've we've all been through uh relationships in our past. And I think one thing I I would like to kind of have a conversation about is you know, like how do relationships affect you throughout your day, whether it's going good or going bad in terms of just mentally, like where it kind of puts you at.
Speaker: 02:55
I can tell that relationships, especially relationship issues, can really affect your energy, your stress, your mindset every day of how you wake up, how you feel, because you're not only caring about your feelings, but you're caring about someone else's feelings as well. So, like your day pretty much entitles your feelings and the other persons as well. So it's pretty much like you're together in this situation of trying to see if this whole love thing works out.
Speaker 2: 03:22
So, so for you, like uh I I haven't had much experience in like the whole like exclusive thing. Uh because I feel like the way that I build up my relationships is just you start liking the person and then you ask them out, and then that's it. Like you're just boyfriend and girlfriend, and then you just kind of build from there, you know, you just have good times, bad times argue, don't argue. It just I mean, it just depends on the person. So I guess it's not so much of a modern relationship style that that I kind of like cater to or you know, that I end up being in. But for from what you mentioned, there's like these different stages that that even I I don't know about, you know.
Speaker: 04:06
These stages are weird because these stages aren't normal, and I'm not sure when this became a normal thing of having things and being exclusive, but they are now in our generation, and it's kind of how dating works. Another thing that I kind of realized in dating a lot, like me dating a lot, is that I realize that the feelings of somebody else can be much higher, and the other person who's sharing their feelings could be much lower. So the way so the way I'm saying that is a lot of people and a lot of things that the reason why they don't really work out and why a lot of things never make it make it past exclusive into the title is because one person feels more for the other. And I feel as if the longer the process gets, you feel like people have more of an opportunity to pull out because it's pretty easy to pull out. It's not like breaking up out of a relationship, even though it is pretty much breaking up out of a relationship. We just don't title it as a society, I guess, in our generation, to put it as we're breaking up. We call it ghosting, I guess, nowadays. Like I think we all know what ghosting is and how so quick definition of ghosting is pretty much when someone just completely drops everything, stops talking to you, stops calling you, stops FaceTiming, all of that. And they just completely cut you off. And I think it's pretty petty, in my opinion. I don't I don't feel I feel like the other person, it's it's not very difficult. I send a text as much as I understand that there's other people out there who believe like texting ending ways is dumb and it doesn't really like work and you shouldn't do it. But I find my I feel like everybody has their own way of breaking up. Like your way of breaking up could be a phone call or in person. Yeah, my kind of breaking up could just be like a text. And it's not difficult to send somebody a text like, hey, I'm just not feeling this. I apologize. Like it's again, like they instead of like the ignoring. Yeah, you don't need to ghost somebody. Yeah, you really don't. You could all you could just say, Hey, and I think that's the most difficult part is because people don't know how to say it, and they feel like, well, if I just ghost, it's much easier. When really it is easier, don't get me wrong, ghosting is easier, but you hurt that other person ten times more than you would if you could just send an easy text message.
Speaker 2: 06:30
I feel like, in a way, like the whole ghosting thing, I I would say that's mostly for somebody who's immature relationship-wise, like not saying that they're like acting like a kid, but I feel like after you have gone through a long-term relationship, you break up and get into another one, you kind of have in the back of your mind, oh, if I ghost somebody that's super shitty, like how I would feel, or you know, just things that you would experience in the past relationship or whatever you've like gone through. So I I feel like with these kind of non-exclusive quick relationships, I feel like ghosting is just more of a common thing, you know, because uh everybody's just kind of going like one after the other. It's almost like speed dating, I would say. So I guess that's just kind of like in the ghosting at that point doesn't mean a whole lot versus like somebody who's in a a long-term relationship. If all of a sudden they just were ghosted or they ghosted somebody, then they kind of have a little bit more feeling towards it versus just like somebody who doesn't care, they just throw it out, just throw it all away. Yeah, and then and I mean, if if I would tell like our our audience one thing, like, please don't don't do this. Some of the best relationships come from very good communications between like partners, and when there's that kind of lack of communication, you kind of create this distance. It's hard to build up trust or anything like that, and really like it it can make somebody's day like super shitty, or you know, make them think about you or like what happened for months, if not years. So yeah, like don't don't ghost be open, communicate with each other, talk about your feelings, it's okay. Exactly. Oh, yeah. Uh, and I feel like for guys too, like there's just this kind of culture of like guys just not opening up and right expressing their emotions towards their their SO. And this could have long-term negative effects on your relationship. If you're not willing to talk or open up about something, could lead to ghosting, which we don't want, which we don't want, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker: 08:46
So it's really focus on what relationship issues are actually like in a relationship. We have some flags or talking points. Your partner's making you feel angry or disappointed, you and your partner disagree about big things career, money, or health. You both want two different things, but don't want to compromise. And what you were saying, Cheyenne, compromising is extremely important in a relationship. Being able to come to that middle ground, talk about things. So you believe the best way to solve any relationship issue would be talking and communicating with the partner.
Speaker 2: 09:17
Yeah, like communication and compromise are just two like very huge things when it comes to any relationship and building it up for the better. Because this isn't a perfect world. Like, people have relationship issues, people have issues outside of their relationship, but not everybody has the ability to kind of put themselves in your shoes. Right. Maybe you're good about talking about something that's bothering you, and then the other person just kind of like cuts it off. Those are like kind of smaller things. If you in a relationship, if you've been having issues for months on end and you've tried the conversation and compromise uh to no avail, and they're just seeming to not put in any effort, then those would be like the times where you would deeply self-reflect on, you know, what makes you happy in life, and you would just pursue other interests at that point, you know, because you definitely don't want to be in a relationship, whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship, if it just weighs you down, somebody's not willing to do anything about it. But besides that, in any relationship, if you're having issues, just talk to your significant other or just have that conversation, ask them questions. Because most of the times, like people can't read minds, people don't really know like what's going on inside your head. If you if you have an issue with something, the best way to solve it is always just to have carry a conversation about it, you know.
Speaker: 10:52
Yeah. Some symptoms of relationship issues are lack of communication, absence of sex, money argument, struggles over home chores, not making a relationship a priority, frequent arguments, lack of trust. The most simp the biggest symptom that I see is the lack of trust. I believe that without trust, you don't have the basic panels or the basic uh floor of a relationship. Like you need the groundwork, you need to be able to trust your partner. And if you can't trust your partner, you don't you you can't allow them to do anything without you questioning them every second of the day. And a relationship shouldn't be about you being questioning people or questioning your partner about what they're doing. A relationship should be about focusing on each other and getting to know each other better to see if this could last longer. But how do you feel? What do you think is the biggest symptom in that one?
Speaker 2: 11:44
I would say uh lack of trust as well, because I mean you're basically like trying to share like a portion of your life with somebody. And obviously, if you don't trust them or you you feel like something shady is going on, then it kind of closes the doors for you to have an excellent relationship with them, you know. Like there's always that one thing where you're just like, I don't know what they're doing. Like they kind of don't don't tell me what's going on, things like that. So some people um like nowadays they'll be in a great relationship, but they'll have I I would call it like previous relationship trauma.
Speaker: 12:23
Yes.
Speaker 2: 12:24
Because, like, I mean, like sometimes your new relationship they'll have nothing to hide, but then you'll be like, Wow, they're kind of like going on their phone a lot, or like they're doing something like not this is just all like made-up examples, but it's just it's it's hard for somebody to recover from losing trust in somebody else who made such a big impact in their life to like come into a new relationship and also trust them. But I mean, it's just one of those things where the person that you're with just kind of helps build up that trust with you over time, uh, whether it was them or not who made you lose trust in a relationship or what goes on. But yeah, trust is definitely one of the bigger things. Uh, because I mean, if if you don't have trust, then you honestly don't have anything else. Right. It's just a big key point that you would obviously want to work on. And then again, like conversate about, ask questions about, you know, and that that's how really how you build up the trust. But like when you close off, then it like it makes you seem shady, or you know, you just lose trust, or there's just there's just no progress towards the trust being built.
Speaker: 13:32
What is the one thing you can do to really allow yourself to take your relationship that's going downwards and bring it back to what it was? So how do you how do you lift how do you lift up a relationship?
Speaker 2: 13:45
It's one one of the things you have to do is just kind of have those self-talks and then also just kind of take a leap of faith because not everybody is horrible, and depending on what relationships you had you you have had in the past, you might think otherwise, but really it's just that leap of faith and just kind of putting your mental health, I would say, in somebody else's hands, which is kind of you know, it's like you you you don't know what the fuck is it? Yeah, like it's scary, like you have no idea what the fuck is gonna happen, but you're also not gonna know what could have happened if you just do nothing, you know, if you're just like kind of weeping and wallowing and just being all by yourself, saying, like, fuck bitches, I don't I can't trust nobody, like everybody around me is a fucking snake. It's just relationships and growth do not work that way. You obviously need to kind of have the bravery to continue on upwards and just jump into something new, or just just tell that person that you're kind of like skeptical of just like I I trust you, or really there's no reason for you to lose trust if somebody ha hasn't done anything to break that trust, and if you're just being like cautious, then really you just need to let go of that mental barrier. Right. Really, what it is is just a whole like a mental exercise on how to trust something because people can break your trust, then it's even harder to build it back up. But it if you really want to put your trust in somebody, and well, one of the main things is that you really need to care about that one person because exactly I agree. If you're just having fun and like going back and forth and you just don't really trust them, but you also don't see a bigger future with them, then it's not gonna be something that's gonna be easy to self-motivate yourself to progress forward and uh onward and upward. But if you really care about somebody and you want things to get better, you want to put more trust into them, you just kind of have to tell yourself, hey, I'll I'm gonna let this person be by themselves or go go out and do whatever you want. Like, I'm not gonna be like psycho like stalkerish, crazy or anything like that. Like, I'm just gonna let you be you because you know we're we're all human beings, and I need to respect your space in this relationship, or you know, I need to put more trust into you in order to be able to like love you more. But yeah, it's just trust is just a big thing.
Speaker: 16:20
I I definitely think you should ask questions. Talking, as you said, is extremely important. And it I understand that there's some topics that when you bring up the other person just gets extremely heated or they feel some very some sort of way about it. However, those are the conversations that help the relationship grow. You need to put the relationship in uncomfortable boundaries for it to be pushed to the boundary to be pushed to the relationship you want it to be.
Speaker 2: 16:44
Yeah, like that, definitely step out of your comfort zone to build something that you didn't even know was possible, right?
Speaker: 16:51
And stepping out of your comfort zone is extremely difficult. And I completely get it that if you're in the position and you can't talk about it and you just want to and you just want to be able to ask the right questions, there are no right questions. You just need to start the conversation. The questions will come, just start the conversation, and if you can figure out a way to really focus in and show that person how you feel, then and if that person and you see the reaction, that's that's what's gonna tell you everything. If that person reacts in a different way than you wanted to, then maybe it is time to put an end to the relationship. Maybe it is time for you to feel um like this isn't gonna progress the way that it is. But what I do want to tell you and everyone listening, don't give up on love. If you're somebody who's been through it, who's been through the gutter, you haven't been able to date right, haven't found the right person, just they feel like because relationships are extremely emotionally draining, they can put such an effect on your mental health, but they can also push you to new boundaries and new comfort zones, new heights in your new heights in your relationships, and new heights in yourself. You learn a lot more about yourself and relationships, especially with a partner. So remember please, please, please, please. You're not alone. I've got your back. We'll get through this together. How do you feel about that, Shannon? Feels good to talk about relationships. Thank you so much for having a conversation anytime. And I'll catch you guys again on the next episode. See you next episode.